i reallie should get to bed...

u noe i think wat i reallie want to say
is that

im false.
i m pretty sure of it.
theres somethin wrong
like the matrix u noe?

this aint me
this aint my life.

i duno how u see me
am i confident?
happy-go-lucky?
bo-chup abt studies?

i remember tt silly zodiac love match thing
said scorpios were confident on the outside
but hide a bunch of worries n fears on the inside
i agree.

the irony is
i think ive gotten better at this game of life.
but at the same time,
im losing worse.

its not tt i dun agree tt things were better when
i was closer to God...

i know theologically i can go back.
i think i do.

but i dun think i CAN can right now...
i dun think i can bypass my judgements on the church ...
i dun think i can spare myself.

or maybe its jus the same thing agn
i jus cant take the sacrifice.

i am jus stuborn
i am jus choosing to look away
to deny
the cross?
but tts not fair.

its not fair...
tt the cross is stil the one and only
reason for this all...
I mean, come on,
if u believe
the Lord ALmighty of all creation
chooses to die a bloody, painful death
simply to allow u to hang ard wif him for eternity,
it sorta excuses everything
that seems shitty to u/

but tt feels like emotional blackmail sometimes...

or i choose not to think abt it


But the point here is tt,
it was better before,

but i guess pride stops me.

cant stand it.

people felt fake.
But tts just an excuse i think.

I left cos it was ALL or nothing

i couldnt tahan the ALL bit i guess...

as we get older,
the stakes get higher,
we realise theres more to enjoy
more to give up.
i guess the scales got too much for me.


****

but i digress, reallie.

Point is- sometimes i feel
like jus crying.
for wat?
im not sure.

theres something fundamentally wrong .

i forget agn...

im not depressed no
reallie im not...

abt time i put something down...

i've been wanting to for the past couple days
but been having, and still have trouble articulating it...

***

im sippin martell...
tryin to say it but i duno how...
forgot wat i wanted to say .......

i think its something along the lines of
how theres something wrong
wif me

im not who i should be, tts a given


its more than tt

its abt......................

everything i do,
everythin i say,
the jokes i make
they're wrong.
theyr're not me.
at least not completely.

no no no tts wrong
tts not what im tryin to say
i understand v few ppl display all of themselves
all of the time.

i desire.....
tts one thing i know to be true now.
to want.
it must be a natural consequence to giving up.
giving up what?

No it is not a side effect, desire is always present.
But if u give in to one u open a little bit of a floodgate...

yep.

but tts not important.


This post is all wrong.
this is all false it must be.
Poseurish.

curses.

ah go urselves.

here i am,

by myself in the clubrm...
its quite nice reallie,
but rather different form the usual
hustle n bustle...

oh... amazing grace is playin on my winamp..

hmm wanted to be pensive..
but the music spoilt it...
chaoz..